A touch of Sweetness

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Sometimes I feel useless. I hate studying...for Chem and EMath. I hate doing homework, and I love to draw...but need a teacher cause I can't draw THAT well yet...should never have left Art Club...And my EQ sucks. I sometimes start really hating people next to me...and they're my FRIENDS for God's sake!I'm supposed to love them!I could blame everything on mood swings but...I think I have an evil alter-ego.
There r so many things I wish I can tell my friends...like how I feel abt them, but if I DO let them know, I'll lose them. Hang it. I've lost so many people. People I thought were friends used me because I was lonely. Then when they had other BETTER friends, they lost me.

And I feel...nothing anymore.

I don't like talking to people, but I envy the vivacious people like

Jorin
Huiyu
Qiuru

and then sometimes...that envy turns into something else.
Funny thing is, I can be telling myself I REALLY REALLY hate someone but the moment that someone comes up to me and talks nicely to me, all that hatred melts away.
I feel like a freak. And I always think that people think the worst of me. Maybe they do, bt I really care abt what people think of me because I think I'm insecure inside.

When people see me...when YOU see me, what's your first impression?

Why do I feel evil...not the "I'll smack yr face MWAHAHAHA!" kind of evil, but the kind of "One day I'll destroy you all" kind of evil. I need God's guidiance...

Ok...major confession time.

1)JYF...sometimes I really really dun like it.(Hate is such a strong word) I dun feel like I'm one of them. They can tell me I AM one of them, but I know I'm not. For now, I'm happy as long as I can be of use in JYF

2)Sometimes I get urges to scream at people. So dun boss me around. Dun yell at me to do something because it triggers something in me. I'm not good with words but I can feel something straining in me. I know if I ever let it out I'll hit you and lash out at you,then feel sorry...so sorry that I'll wish I'm dead so STOP ME

3)I cry at night sometimes because I feel something in me that's not right...and most of the time I dunno why I cry. I blamed a lot of stuff for this. Ezra leaving... not being able to be as lively and beautiful and happy as the rest of the people...being fat, being ugly, being fat AND ugly...

4)God.Dun YOU EVER INSULT HIM. He's the only one who EVER listens to me and he's the ONLY one I can depend on. Sometimes when I hear people bad-mouthing God, Using bad words with his name, or just challenging his existence, I feel a different kind of anger... I still want to hit the person but I can control it, even dismiss the thought of slamming my fists into their faces.

5)God help me please...I'm violent. I had this problem when I was 13 and now it's coming back again because I'm hollow. I need to fill it up with something. The last time I had my friends, the S.A.I.L.O.R.S...but as I grow older I start finding faults with evryone, AND me!Old friends...I can't bring myself to trust them.
I hate seeing people I love enjoy themselves with other people I dun like so much cause i'm afraid they'll leave me again. I'm over-protective.Possessive evn.
I fill up the emptiness by drawing, and getting tired. But...help me Father.

6)The day I stop being of use to anyone, the day I can no longer serve the ones I love...that's the day I'll fade.
So until that day, I'll make HIM and the ones who matter happy. And no matter how hard it gets, how tired I am, I'll never allow that beast inside me to hurt another person.

Maybe I'm just really angry about something unknown and need to lash out or vent my frustrations on people.

-when are you coming back? ;